ah yes, a healthy relationship… my ultimate fetish……
#my ultimate fetish is extremely healthy relationships with EXTREMELY UNHEALTHY SURROUNDING CIRCUMSTANCES #like how did this healthy relationship happen? nobody knows. it’s extremely improbable. HERE IT IS
Alright, I posted all of this so you can ignore it all at once. It’s a first draft, I meant to touch it up a little, change Mr. Miracle’s origin to his wife dying of inoperable cancer and his son being angry because he didn’t sell off his magic tricks for an out-of-network treatment. But, ya know, it’s good enough as is for people to see what I was going for. And I don’t know how it would stack up to a legit DC Comics movie, but you must admit… it doesn’t have Ben Affleck in it.
So, in her first appearance, Barda managed to beat up a mob of crazed men and get a turkey baked for her by her man. Not bad for a debut. Obviously, it’s not quite love at first sight… we have a ways to go before they become the superpower couple we all know and love. But dig that as soon as Barda is freed from years of tyranny and oppression, she declares her new home a no-pants zone. I nominate Big Barda for official heroine of Tumblr—what other superhero just wants to stay home in her underwear and eat turkey?
Barda teleports into Nakatomi Plaza to save Scott, not that he needs it. Unfortunately, it’s going to take a while for the inverse of that statement to prove true, but “people who save each other, not that they can’t save themselves” is a pretty good short-hand for this ship.
Skip ahead to a while later to Scott OMFG GRINDING DOWN A HANDRAIL! Yeah, Scott’s a pimp, but we’ll get to that later. For now, suffice to say that he just totally ran afoul of a Ren Faire. There’s some business with that, but we’ll skip ahead a little more to the punchline and moar Barda.
This is exactly how I wish I could settle ship wars. “Emma/Neal is endgame because they have a kid together? Try to lift this slab of concrete off your broken corpse while I go do something else.”
Big Barda: Rocking your face clean off since 1971. Luckily, we also have Scott Free to rock your face back on by escaping an iron maiden (in case you’re wondering, he lasered a hole in the back and escaped through that while they were closing him in).
Ladies in the audience, it’s okay to have a crush on Big Barda now. But let’s not forget that although she just opened up an Apokolips-sized can of whoopass, Scott Free also managed to escape an iron maiden. Barda/Scott: The couple that is awesome both together and separately.
So, Barda and Scott finally get to meet face-to-face after years apart and they… kind of like each other. Let the UST begin!
Doc Bedlam has trapped Scott Free at the top of a skyscraper. The challenge: Get to the bottom. The obstacle: Everyone inside the skyscraper has been infected with a “paranoia pill” and is determined to rip Scott to shreds. It’s something like an early version of the Supernatural tag. When we last left poor Scott, he was mistaken for a vampire, chained up, locked in a trunk, and thrown down the stairwell. Let’s rejoin our story, already in progress.
Yup, our first ever glimpse of Big Barda… hot, strong, fully-dressed (seeing as how she has ass-kicking to do), and holding a giant piece of phallic symbolism. Just the way we like her.
Only the second panel she’s ever been in and she’s assaulting a midget with a giant piece of phallic symbolism. Ahh, memories.
Don’t you hate it when you go to make a booty call and find yourself having to rescue a dude in distress? Barda does.
In the first appearance of Big Barda, one of the B-list Apokolips villains by the name of Dr. Bedlam has come to Earth to fulfill the Apokolips’ Prime Directive: Mess with Scott Free.
"Your telephone number is known to me!" Ah-ha-ha. Despite what you may think, Dr. Bedlam does not torment Scott Free with the knowledge of whether his refrigerator is running or he has Prince Albert in a can, but instead lures him into a death-trap. Seeing as how Scott Free was a super-escape artist and wouldn’t be as unique if people just tried to shoot him in the face, guys were doing this all the time. I’ll probably post an example later on, but for now, Die Hard In A Scott Free.
The very first appearance of Scott “Mr. Big Barda” Free, in which he is confounded by our everyday Earth customs such as… lighting people on fire.
Anyway, I’ve got this one thing to do… find some Mr. Miracle. I kinda promised a dead guy I’d do it. I might need some help with that. By then, I guess we’ll have this Earth business down. You can go do whatever.
Three out of Three by Ksennin.
I think it was Gail Simone that confirmed that Apokoliptians have no concept of monogamy, and will happily include others in their “victories”. And Diana was raised on an island full of career women. So if Identity Crisis gets to be canon, this gets to be canon, says I.