Fuck yeah, melancholy...

Jean shoved Peter down onto the room’s only furniture, a chrome examination table, though Logan’s body resisted enough for him to end up seated rather than prone. Jean turned her efforts into a dance—moving her hands up and down her body, swaying her hips to the pulse of the psychosphere. As discombobulated as he was, Peter watched—his expression turning Logan’s eyes big and round.

 Would you mind telling me why I’m not serving detention in Queens? he asked mentally, even as he tried not to goggle at her.

A lot of people wouldn’t question that. Jean’s slender legs turned serpentine as she turned to show off her ass, bunching it and relaxing it inside her skintight leather trousers. 

I am not going to be distracted by badonkadonk for more than another five minutes, Peter swore.

 Alright, here’s the deal. We’re on Krakoa, a prison island for mutants. The dictatorship of Genosha imprisons its mutants here, where they’re hunted, killed, for sport. They broadcast it on the internet. Last month, we tried to stop them. We destroyed the studio and freed their current reality TV star. But they rebuilt it and sent a strike force onto American soil to capture us and bring us here for their sick version of justice.

He was on his fifth attempt to switch over his train of thought—not even recalling how bad the Star Wars prequels were was helping—when a high-end Audi pulled to a stop at his segment of the sidewalk like it was a pit stop at the Indy 500 and he was expected to change the tires. The window came down as fast as a pen being clicked and Peter saw the world’s most famous goatee.

“Get in, loser, we’re going shopping,” Tony Stark said.

All of Peter’s mind stopped functioning except for the bit that told him this wouldn’t normally happen. A conclusion leapt to him. “Wait… wait… how do I know you’re not the Chameleon, trying to get me alone?”

“Hmmm… if I was a shapeshifter who could take on any identity, I would be me,” Tony conceded. 

“It’s simple,” MJ said, jabbing her joint at him to indicate she wanted him to take a puff. Peter waved it off, which MJ treated as a game, trying to prod through his defenses. “Women are naturally more compassionate than men. When we get superpowers, we use them to help people. Hence, we’re superheroes. Men get superpowers, rob banks, try to blow up New York, supervillains. Even those women who are selfish, most of them shape up after a little therapy. Femininity’s natural love and acceptance for all humanity shines through.”

Peter relented, snatching the joint from Mary Jane’s hand. “I’m pretty sure I saw you punch a guy in the dick seven times yesterday. It was on the news.”

“Doesn’t count, Deadpool. That guy is so annoying. We get it, chimichangas, it was funny the first one billion times…”

“We have chimichangas?” Gwen asked, coming through the door. As always, her bookbag thudded when it hit the floor, overburdened with loot from the New York Public Library.

“We have beer, chips, and pizza with pineapple that no one is energetic enough to pick off,” Peter reported.

“But we have beer,” Mary Jane added, twisting up with her superior agility to perch on the arm of the couch and return Gwen’s greeting kiss.

Peter conscientiously looked away, casting a look at his textbook that perhaps Gollum would’ve directed at the One Ring.

Gwen laughed sweetly as she slid down beside MJ. “Peter, you don’t have to look away when I kiss my girlfriend.”

Peter looked back at her, assuming that since she was talking, she couldn’t be kissing. “I just don’t want you guys to feel uncomfortable. You shouldn’t worry about being perved at in your own home.”

“But there wasn’t even tongue!” MJ retorted. “If you could get off on that peck, I would take it as a compliment.”

Alright, tumblr, I’m giving you a chance to prove you love me

So there are these two projects I’m working on and, I don’t know, they could use betas.

One is a novella I’m thinking of self-publishing—because why the hell not?—it’s sort of like one of those gothic romances, only with the moody, brooding, violent but also sort of a sweetie master of the house is a woman and the servant is a boy. I know, I’ll give you a moment to pop your monocle back in. Also, elves, the mentally handicapped, and Big Barda without the copyright infringement. I researched the tundra to write this!

The other is just a fanfic. You’ve love this, tumblr—it’s a Marvel Cinematic Universe where all the superheroes are women, and the male (former) leads are their sidekicks. So Jane Foster has Mjolnir and transforms into the God of Thunder, while a powerless Thor gives her fighting tips, and Mary Jane was bitten by that radioactive spider and has Peter to build her webshooters. Oh, and Pepper Potts is Rescue while Tony treats building her robot clothes as foreplay, but you already knew that. The actual plot involves Peter Parker being The Twenty-Year-Old Virgin and Tony trying to get him laid. There’s Darcy, people. Darcy.

I figured out how Amazing Spider-Man 2 will end

Gwen: Peter… I’m dying. I want you to promise me… that you won’t jump into bed with someone as soon as I’m gone.

Peter: I promise, Gwen. I promise.

Mary Jane: But promises you can’t keep are the best kind.

Peter: …bazinga.


Gwen Stacy, Mary Jane Watson and Peter Parker by Steve Rude


Gwen Stacy, Mary Jane Watson and Peter Parker by Steve Rude

How to fix Amazing Spider-Man

One of the things that really bugged me about ASM was that none of the stuff had anything to do with the other stuff. In Raimi’s Spider-Man, sure, they had to get Uncle Ben’s death origin stuff out of the way, but that led in to Norman Osborn as a father figure and the good son/bad son feud between Peter and Harry. Even the Peter/MJ romance didn’t just humanize Peter, it showed how Peter was beating Harry at his own game and thus a more desirable ‘son’ for Norman. 

Then you watch ASM and you have the mystery of the dead parents, which has nothing to do with Peter’s hunt for his uncle’s killer, which has nothing to do with the Lizard (I guess they’re both outcasts… even though even before becoming Spider-Man, Peter is getting hit on by the hottest blonde in school… and Curt Connors himself seems to have a cushy job at a giant corporation… for God’s sake, he works with Emma Stone all day!). Oh, and none of that has much to go with Denis Leary or Emma Stone either. It’s all just… stuff. There’s no clear theme.

So, I had a long day at work and here’s a rough outline of how to fix that.

Read More

The List of Stupid Things In The Amazing Spider-Man

Peter: What’s this? My dad’s old suitcase?


Uncle Ben: Oh yeah. Your father gave that to me before he died. The last thing he said to me before he died was that I keep it safe. It was his dying wish. (beat) I forgot all about it!


Peter: Hmmm… a newspaper clipping hidden inside! It’s about my father and someone named Curt Connors! This is brand-new information!


Audience: Uh, if it’s from a NEWSPAPER, then it’s a matter of public record.


Peter: Maybe if I search for this on Bing, I might find some answers!


Audience: Seriously? That’s what leads to this major revelation of your dead father’s life? An internet search?


Peter: Well! My father used to work for Oscorp!




Peter: Well, to be fair, I was using Google before, like a normal person. Bing, that makes all the difference.


Read More



Spider-Man and His Women by Elena Casagrande

I would retitle this as “awesome ladies and that one dude whom all of them like for some strange reason,” but yes. Also, look! People remember Deb, Betty and Liz exist!

Lol at Black Cat. Eye that ass, gurl!



Spider-Man and His Women by Elena Casagrande

I would retitle this as “awesome ladies and that one dude whom all of them like for some strange reason,” but yes. Also, look! People remember Deb, Betty and Liz exist!

Lol at Black Cat. Eye that ass, gurl!

Gwen falls in love with Peter Parker. Mary Jane fell in love with Spider-Man

Emma Stone on how her Gwen Stacy differs from Kirsten Dunst’s Mary-Jane Watson.

I’m sorry, you weren’t angry at Emma Stone a minute ago, were you?