Fuck yeah, melancholy...
Arrow Binge-Watch — The Disaster of Laurel Lance

-I’ve been wondering about this whole Laurel Lance fiasco (should your reaction to your estranged parents spending time together and getting along well really be “WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING?”). I kind of wonder if there was meant to be some built-in obsolescence with the character. I mean, she’s basically a sub-Katie Holmes version of Rachel Dawes, everyone’s least favorite Batman love interest, so surely someone had to know that there was a possibility she wouldn’t be accepted. And Black Canary has so many names that I wouldn’t be surprised if there were a plan to kill her off and reveal another character—Dinah Drake or whatever—who is THE Dinah while Laurel is just A Dinah. That’s what they did on Smallville, after all… with Jimmy Olson, of all people… and from what I’ve heard of the second season, that’s pretty much what they do with Black Canary. I’m imagining the producers meeting with Katie Cassidy. “Uh, sorry, it turns out the fans like Black Canary to be blonde and beating people up and flirting with Oracle, not having a strained relationship with her father.”

-I see apparently Alex Kingston is playing Dinah Lance, so the Possible Black Canary/Katie Cassidy character is Dinah’s daughter for some reason?

What’s the fucking point? Aren’t you just making things awkward for your supposed target audience at this point? Like it wasn’t weird enough having Black Canary be Dinah Drake in the Nu52—what is this, some fucking Chinese word puzzle now? I have to use the past imperfect fucking participle if I want to talk about a blonde in fishnet stockings who uses kung-fu? That’s cool, I’ll just go make a movie about our greatest president, Barry Lincoln. He goes by his middle name and he doesn’t wear a hat. Fuck you, that’s why.

-Oh, most hazardous job in Starling City? Being assigned to guard Laurel Lance. I imagine getting that detail being like that cosmonaut who went into space, knowing his shuttle was a death-trap. “No, Bob, your family needs you. I’ll guard her. Tell my mom I love her.”

-I can’t stress enough what a disaster Laurel Lance is as a character. I’m not putting all the blame on Cassidy—she’s miscast and doesn’t elevate the material, but what can you do with this stuff? She gets into a committed relationship with Ollie’s best friend and yet Cassidy’s supposed to get the audience to root for her to cheat on him with the man who already cheated on her WITH HER SISTER. That’s not an acting challenge, that’s a punishment in Greek mythology. Really, I’m not sure how at this point they could make the Ollie/Laurel pairing, their supposed endgame, more unappealing. Reveal Ollie has a thing for golden showers and Laurel is deathly afraid of pee?

-Oh, and Laurel is a ‘strong female character,’ so whenever the bad guys come to kidnap her so that Ollie has to rescue her, she gets in like one shot before they overpower her. I’m not kidding, in one episode, J. August Richards poses as a cop to get to her. She catches him in the lie, grabs a shotgun, takes a shot at him while saying a badass line about her dad being a cop—then she immediately runs out of ammo, so Ollie has to bust through the window and save her. Yes, Laurel, Starling City’s Most Threatened Woman 2011, keeps her shotgun loaded with one bullet. HOW CAN YOU NOT LAUGH AT THAT?

-By the way, when Alex Kingston showed up as Laurel’s mother and eventually was confronted with Laurel and Quentin demanding to know how she knew about Sara Lance bringing a hat with her on Ollie’s Incest Yacht… was I the only one who expected a tearful confession that all the women of Clan Lance had, ahem, gotten the shaft?

-Come to think of it, Paul Blackthorne’s a good-looking guy. Kinda got a silver fox thing going there. He’s got some gray in his hair, just like Hal Jordan, and we all know how Ollie is with that guy…

-Of course, I also want Amazing Spider-Man 3 to end with Peter accidentally being responsible for the death of yet another member of the Stacy family. “WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING TO ME?” Andrew Garfield will scream to the heavens, before going to get a Snocone because, c’mon, you get numb to it at some point.

-On a positive note, J. August Richards shows up as an assassin who gets some good lines, has exciting fight scenes, is pleasingly eccentric, has an exotic gimmick for killing people—and he gets killed off at the end, while the show’s lame-ass boring version of Deadshot shows up a bazillion times. I mean, I’m sure Richards is in demand and all, but if Deadshot can come back from having an arrow shot in his eye, I want Gunn to come back from a fireplace poker in the chest. 

-And I do like John Barrowman as Merlyn, just because there’s a pleasing dichotomy between Barrowman being a lovable Disney prince and Merlyn being a psychotic supervillain. He takes off his mask after a long day of murdering people and looks like he’s about to burst into song. Just terrific!

-“I may have furthered a plot to destroy the city today, but I also reconnected with my troubled son. And that’s the real victory.”

-You can’t tell me that one Undertaking meeting hasn’t ended with a group hug. You just can’t.

-This is an origin story, of course, so I assume Merlyn wearing an actual mask is going to eventually inspire Ollie. “Wait a minute!” Oliver will say, as the music rises in the background, “he wears a mask—people can’t tell who he is even if he doesn’t have his hood hanging in front of his eyes like an emo haircut—MY… GOD…!”

Don’t know why I posted this, just a screencap of Batgirl after interrogating two sex workers, one of whom looks an awful lot like Black Canary. nbg

Don’t know why I posted this, just a screencap of Batgirl after interrogating two sex workers, one of whom looks an awful lot like Black Canary. nbg

Bachelorette Party by Ksennin.
The real reason Dinah and Ollie aren’t married in the Nu52. Be sure to tell the artist if you’d like to see more.

Bachelorette Party by Ksennin.

The real reason Dinah and Ollie aren’t married in the Nu52. Be sure to tell the artist if you’d like to see more.

“Barbara,” a voice said.

“Lemme alone.”

“Baaaarbara,” it repeated, drawing the word out spookily.

“’m trying to sleep!”

“Barbaaaaara!”

“What!? What is it?” Barbara said, pulling herself up by the support rings.

Dinah was standing at the foot of her bed. She looked a bit more translucent than Barbara remembered, as well as being covered in chains.

“Whaddya want?” Barbara asked, feeling her head being inexorably drawn in by the black hole of her warm, comfortable pillow.

“Much,” Dinah answered. “Ask me who I was.”

“No. You’re Dinah. Really-frickin’-annoying-me-when-I’m-trying-to-sleep Dinah, but still Dinah.”

"It is required of every man that the spirit within him should walk abroad among his fellowmen, and travel far and wide; and if that spirit goes not forth in life, it is condemned to do so after death. It is doomed to wander through the world…”

“Oh, God, is this Dickens? This is, isn’t it? I’m having a Dickensian nightmare and I cast myself as Ebeneezer Scrooge. Oh, the gender issues that raises… that’s one for the dream journal, yup.”

Dinah planted her hands at her hips in a huff. “No, Barbara, I am not an undigested bit of beef or a blot of mustard. There is more of grave than of gravy about me.”

“Okay, so you’re supposed to be Jacob Marley,” Barbara said through a yawn. “If that’s the case, shouldn’t you be dead? Heck, Ted Kord would be a much better choice for the role. And it would give a delightful homosexual subtext to the original!”

“Oh, like I’m not. And although I am not dead in the conventional sense, I am dead to you. You don’t call, you don’t write…”

“I’m really busy,” Barbara said defensively. “If people would stop bugging me when I was trying to sleep, maybe I would be well-rested enough to send you an e-card.”

An e-card!” Dinah shook her chains. “Woe onto you, Barbara, for what manner of friend fails even the most dubious measure; that of seeing a mildly amusing greeting card at a store and buying it on impulse?”

“Why are you talking like that?”

“I doth not know!”

“Doth isn’t Victorian, doth-ass. And what’s with the chains?”

“Oh, these?” Dinah rattled them. “These are for a photo shoot with Maxim. They want me to be fetishized and apparently the fishnet stockings and singlet I wear all the time aren’t enough. Anyway, you know the basic plot of A Christmas Carol?”

Barbara doesn’t need handles on her wheelchair. Cuz she has bitches.

Barbara doesn’t need handles on her wheelchair. Cuz she has bitches.

helenabertinellihuntress:

I had to take the earlier gif set down because I noticed the problems with it, in terms of color and text alignment (mi dispiace!)

But I’ve fixed it and uploaded it again.

“Looks like we’re in this together.”

“If you call me girlfriend, I’m gonna drop kick you into the next county.”

“Now don’t go all sentimental on me.”

Grudge Match - Jlu

Am I the only one who thought Dinah goosed Helena in the fourth gif?

WELP.

WELP.

Ha ha, WHAT?

What?
Okay, I watched the trailer and it’s just Barbara talking to Huntress and Canary, then going to have sex with some cop. I really don’t think they know their fanbase. “Okay, what do Birds of Prey fans really ship? I know! Barbara/men!”

Ha ha, WHAT?

What?

Okay, I watched the trailer and it’s just Barbara talking to Huntress and Canary, then going to have sex with some cop. I really don’t think they know their fanbase. “Okay, what do Birds of Prey fans really ship? I know! Barbara/men!”

"Have I mentioned I am heterosexual today, Canary?"
"Yes, me too, me too."

"Have I mentioned I am heterosexual today, Canary?"

"Yes, me too, me too."

Take that, people who find sexy costumes impractical! Wait… whoa, Mark Waid, awkward.

Take that, people who find sexy costumes impractical! Wait… whoa, Mark Waid, awkward.